Jump!★

As the COVID cases continue to rise, especially in Selangor and KL, I requested to work from home. Currently 50% of the employees are allowed to go back to office, but I have been having slight anxiety regarding the climbing cases the past couple of months yet I did not dare to speak up to HR. What broke the camel's back was my relapse of Graves disease which led me to decide that I will confront HR as I do not want to endanger my health. Again. 

I believe I have never talked about my condition here before, and it was something I pondered about many many times over the years. It just seems so lengthy to go into details, and sometimes, plainly, I just don't want to talk about it. I don't know where to start, where to end, how to approach this topic in the best way possible. It took me almost 10 years to come to terms with it and I can't believe I have reached a point recently where I don't cry anymore when I talk about it to people, so GOAL!

Honestly it has been incredibly helpful to be able to confide in my coordinator and HR about this matter and not keep everything to myself, suffering unnecessarily. Thankfully they are very understanding about it and allowed me some adjustments so that I am not overtly stressed regarding work (which is imperative to my healing journey).

Since my relapse, I have made some great strides in my life. First off, I actually confided in some close friends about it and they were very accepting and supportive. I never used to like talking about it because it always propelled me into a crying mess and thinking that people will treat me differently. But as I grow up, I learnt that many others are having medical conditions too, more so than I thought. We are all not that different from each other after all. Just that we have one thing in common - which is keeping it to ourselves. One other thing that helped me tremendously was how caring and supportive my boyfriend's family is towards my health that sometimes I feel like I'm treated like gold hahaha. We even speculate that perhaps his parents love me more than he loves me. XD

Second, I am seeing an endocrinologist now who is understanding and supportive of my treatment choice. She ran me through the treatment options again (as I have been off meds and doctor visits for 5 years) and once again I chose medication (long term this time) instead of invasive procedures such as surgery and radioactive iodine. She was respectful of it and said she won't force me, which is the assurance and positive energy I need right now. I am tired and frustrated of how I was mismanaged in the past as a teenager (when I had my first diagnosis) and super thankful I have a job now so I can afford better healthcare.

Third, in regards to my career, I am doing really well! Far more than I have anticipated. In under a year and a half, I transformed from a clueless newbie who doesn't know what I want to specialize in (hence landing me a job as a 3D Generalist) to doing Mastershots (lighting + compositing), Python scripting and visual development (still doesn't know where I'm heading). There's still much more I can do to expand my skills and I am grateful for the people who helped me along the way and gave me opportunities that I am aware aren't available to others. It was a case of preparation + opportunity = luck - and lucky I sure am.

Fourth and most importantly, this relapse made me re-evaluate my life. My habits, my friends, my thoughts, my future. It made me realize how much unaddressed issues I have and if it wasn't for my depression last year (along with my relapse), I would never have said

"Fuck this, I have to do something. Right now. For myself."

Looking back, it has been a long long road, and one that I still shudder sometimes thinking back about it. But let's not forget how far I've come and how deep I was in the hole that I thought I could never make it out.

There are plenty of changes that I adopted to bring me to where I am today and boy, was it difficult moving forward and relearning things. There are always better choices to be made and change your life. Slowly. But surely. The tides can change. You are more capable of setting the trajectory of your life than you think. I could go on forever and it is endless what I could say about this topic but I am actually writing this in the little pockets of time that I have while I work, so this is really not the best of times to delve into a topic I hold so close to my heart. Besides, my attention span can be short sometimes (I'm started to feel bored now) and I am starting to feel hungry and my food is waiting to be cooked. 

So maybe next time? :D Hehe, bye!