Jump!★

This morning was real nice being able to sleep in as I've been staying up yesterday night trying to download Little Nightmares (it's free to install until yesterday!) on Steam. I've also had some time (okay, plenty of time) to write in my journal this morning because - you've guessed it - 

 

I don't have a job anymore.

In April, I decided not to renew my contract with my first company for various reasons, but mainly because

ONE, I was grossly under-compensated and over-worked.

TWO, I couldn't see myself having a productive working relationship with some of my colleagues moving forward.

THREE, I am young enough to quit comfortably.

What compelled me to take the leap was a quote I heard on a Youtube video;

 

"If you're miserable now, you're going to still be miserable BUT OLDER in the next few years."

 

 

That alone was enough to scare me because I've been thinking of resigning since a year ago but I didn't as I wanted to work for at least two years in the same company. To build credibility, like they would say.

 

Yes, I am very fortunate to be able to have the CHOICE to change. In the meantime, I instead aimed to focus on my freelance projects. As if pieces of the universe finally align, life threw me several plot twists literally right after I told HR I was resigning. 

 

1. The HR of my dream company reached out to me and was eager to have me on board.

2. I received another freelance project, which subject matter I am interested in AND I get creative control.

3. I received yet another freelance offer, and this one from someone I look up to and trust.

 

I admit it was overwhelming at first, having all these offered to me while I was still on my last week at a full-time corporate job, rushing a project to completion and having virtually no life. 

 

But I didn't just make the leap; I have been preparing for years. I saved up as much as I could because I wanted to have the autonomy to quit my job if I wanted to one day. Being in the animation industry, it is common to get paid low wages and I didn't want that to define how I'm going to live. I recognized that it's going to be more difficult to save up and afford things that I desired, 

so I started investing.

I diversified my portfolio and took up freelance gigs on the side (while working full-time) so I could feed my investments. It was the only way up, and the only way I know how. Eventually I saved up enough and gained enough transferable skills that I was able to be somewhat confident to say no to my corporate job (but also after a lot of tears and anxiety lol...).

And then suddenly, I am free. Free to do whatever, whenever, however. It feels like I'm floating and spinning around slowly in space. Exhilarating, liberating, unrestrained, but also, unfocused. Immediately I laid out plans, things I wished to do, to learn, to accomplish, and to experience.

My mental health wasn't at it's best towards the end of my contract as I felt trapped by work. I couldn't have time for myself to recuperate, replenish and just be quiet. So I placed relaxation as my priority as soon as I quit. I took the whole month of May to mostly relax and catch up on my hobbies, Netflix and dance. 

Whenever I feel uncertainty over my situation, I repeat affirmations to myself, some of my favourites being

I am bold,

versatile,

smart,

beautiful inside and out,

healthy,

peaceful,

right where I should be.

I love you, Fion.

If I change myself, I believe I can change my world too.

As the COVID cases continue to rise, especially in Selangor and KL, I requested to work from home. Currently 50% of the employees are allowed to go back to office, but I have been having slight anxiety regarding the climbing cases the past couple of months yet I did not dare to speak up to HR. What broke the camel's back was my relapse of Graves disease which led me to decide that I will confront HR as I do not want to endanger my health. Again. 

I believe I have never talked about my condition here before, and it was something I pondered about many many times over the years. It just seems so lengthy to go into details, and sometimes, plainly, I just don't want to talk about it. I don't know where to start, where to end, how to approach this topic in the best way possible. It took me almost 10 years to come to terms with it and I can't believe I have reached a point recently where I don't cry anymore when I talk about it to people, so GOAL!

Honestly it has been incredibly helpful to be able to confide in my coordinator and HR about this matter and not keep everything to myself, suffering unnecessarily. Thankfully they are very understanding about it and allowed me some adjustments so that I am not overtly stressed regarding work (which is imperative to my healing journey).

Since my relapse, I have made some great strides in my life. First off, I actually confided in some close friends about it and they were very accepting and supportive. I never used to like talking about it because it always propelled me into a crying mess and thinking that people will treat me differently. But as I grow up, I learnt that many others are having medical conditions too, more so than I thought. We are all not that different from each other after all. Just that we have one thing in common - which is keeping it to ourselves. One other thing that helped me tremendously was how caring and supportive my boyfriend's family is towards my health that sometimes I feel like I'm treated like gold hahaha. We even speculate that perhaps his parents love me more than he loves me. XD

Second, I am seeing an endocrinologist now who is understanding and supportive of my treatment choice. She ran me through the treatment options again (as I have been off meds and doctor visits for 5 years) and once again I chose medication (long term this time) instead of invasive procedures such as surgery and radioactive iodine. She was respectful of it and said she won't force me, which is the assurance and positive energy I need right now. I am tired and frustrated of how I was mismanaged in the past as a teenager (when I had my first diagnosis) and super thankful I have a job now so I can afford better healthcare.

Third, in regards to my career, I am doing really well! Far more than I have anticipated. In under a year and a half, I transformed from a clueless newbie who doesn't know what I want to specialize in (hence landing me a job as a 3D Generalist) to doing Mastershots (lighting + compositing), Python scripting and visual development (still doesn't know where I'm heading). There's still much more I can do to expand my skills and I am grateful for the people who helped me along the way and gave me opportunities that I am aware aren't available to others. It was a case of preparation + opportunity = luck - and lucky I sure am.

Fourth and most importantly, this relapse made me re-evaluate my life. My habits, my friends, my thoughts, my future. It made me realize how much unaddressed issues I have and if it wasn't for my depression last year (along with my relapse), I would never have said

"Fuck this, I have to do something. Right now. For myself."

Looking back, it has been a long long road, and one that I still shudder sometimes thinking back about it. But let's not forget how far I've come and how deep I was in the hole that I thought I could never make it out.

There are plenty of changes that I adopted to bring me to where I am today and boy, was it difficult moving forward and relearning things. There are always better choices to be made and change your life. Slowly. But surely. The tides can change. You are more capable of setting the trajectory of your life than you think. I could go on forever and it is endless what I could say about this topic but I am actually writing this in the little pockets of time that I have while I work, so this is really not the best of times to delve into a topic I hold so close to my heart. Besides, my attention span can be short sometimes (I'm started to feel bored now) and I am starting to feel hungry and my food is waiting to be cooked. 

So maybe next time? :D Hehe, bye!

This MCO in a way was God-sent for me. I recognize that not everyone is in the same situation and I really do wish that people won't have to lose jobs over this. =( I really am very fortunate to still get paid fully every month and my company also gifted us extra money to pull through. Financials aside, throughout the MCO I went on a psychological roller coaster ride, but that's not what I want to focus on for now. Enough about me feeling shitty. I want to focus on the fact that I finally had time to indulge in activities that I put aside after my final year project started (and after that, work).

The month begun with me being super productive, wanting to do everything because I was excited to finally have a whole day to myself, but as the days go by, I find myself getting lazier and chill-er hahaha. And then I had a breakdown because I found myself not wanting to do anything, but I want to do something, but I don't feel like it and then I felt useless. It's an endless cycle. Omg S T O P. 



W O R K

Work-life balance actually exists for once! It's no secret that the animation industry has tons of over time work and is relatively low paying, so the MCO helped significantly because I didn't need to drive or eat out, which meant that I got to save more than usual. T_T I also got to save my sanity in the process. In terms of work, I was so much happier and productive than I was back in the office, mainly because while I was waiting for render I could do housework or eat whenever I want. (When I was in the office, I would eat dinner late because of OT and then I would have gas or gastric. I didn't want to eat out because that would mean spending more money and I can't claim dinner money unless I eat at 8:30PM which is just too late.)

I am generally a fast worker and being at home with internet access to find for solutions (for work technical problems) made me work even faster. Our internet usage is restricted in the office and we have to use the community PC to search for solutions which is a little inconvenient. For me the biggest advantage of working from home is that I'm not being monitored physically. I have a bad habit where I try to make my work perfect and stress myself to look busy, so being able to relax made me go easy on myself a little, and honestly it made me a little saner and I came to the realization that it's OK to not look busy all the time as long as I get things done on time.

B I N G E - W A T C H / R E A D

H O B B I E S

This month, I reconnected with art. It's so funny (and quite sad) that artists often lose the drive to draw or do creative things once they start working. During MCO, I had time to sit down and express my heart out and it's feels satisfying. I took as long as I need going over the details - the gift of time is just amazing. Because of this, I re-evaluated the way I spend time and why I was feeling so burnt out and unfulfilled recently. I think the simple answer is that I need more time for myself. I need to go out and do things by myself, because ever since moving back home, my autonomy has been rather restricted and it was hindering my sense of independence.





Made another fairy garden! My supervisor Boon was so kind as to buy me this pot and handed it to me just before MCO so I could start on some plant project. Seriously what did I do to deserve such kind friends? It makes me problems seem less painful.



N E W   T H I N G S

Never stop learning in life amirite. And so begun my venture into free online classes and countless Youtube cooking videos.




I like this lyrics from AURORA's song Daydreamer and so I wrote it out.



I made dark chocolate tart with the big pile of dark chocolate I got from my colleague, aka my chocolate supplier. Seriously again, I have good people in my life. T_T The tart turned out so rich and not too sweet. I also made banana smoothie with the portable blender I bought online (I caved in because I wanted a good portable blender for so long.) I bought it here if you're interested!

My mental health hasn't been all that good recently if I am to be honest. I consider myself to be quite expressive and thoughtful, yet I still get caught up in my own emotions every now and then. Such is human nature, isn't it? No amount of writing or drawing or reading is going to prepare me for life's curve balls, they can only help me cope.

A few things happening in my corporate life has been putting stress on me for the past 2 months. It isn't about crazy workload but rather something P&C that I don't want to talk about, which has slowly been chipping away at my sanity for some time and the stress crashed on me when MCO started. Anxiety started to consume me to the point that my chest feels constricted and I was breathing shallowly. The sense of irrational dread was always at the forefront of my mind. I did some research and learnt of a phenomenon called the Let-Down Effect, which is described as

According to this website. Every time I experience stress, I try to read books and articles to try to understand what I am going through, and every time I emerge a little bit stronger. Just enough to pull me through.

During my university days, I took a class about stress in which I learned to distinguish situations where I am just under pressure versus situations where I am actually under stress. It is very important to be able to tell these 2 feelings apart as they are usually very similar. A lot of people tend to categorize themselves under stress when they are in fact just under pressure. You can find out more here, it might be helpful for you. =)

It didn't help that during this difficult and confusing time that one of my closest granduncle passed away. He was there for us since I was a child and even generously supported my university education. It hurts me to know that he passed alone and we couldn't make it to attend his wake. After this event, my anxiety got worst and I started having trouble sleeping at night and my head spun.

I have toyed with the idea of seeking a therapist after the stress I experienced last year which made me unable to sleep for 2 weeks. It was a horrible, miserable time of my life and I didn't feel like myself. I didn't know what to do, I just know how to cry and feel helpless. How I got out of it eventually was by exploring and running around Tamarind Square, just to get the restless and negative energy out. But we can't go out now.

The first time my life was this dark was 9 years ago, when I experienced immense loss and personal security issues which led to stress. It was so bad that I couldn't close my eyes when I bathe and I needed someone to sleep with me. After that, my immune system crashed and I was medicated for close to 3 years to heal my body. I am still experiencing PTSD symptoms now that I am trying to work through.

Many times I wanted to talk about this but thinking about how long the story is going to be just demotivates me. What I do know is that I am more accepting of my feelings and I'm always working on minding my responses to situations or other people's behaviour. It's not so easy, but I don't want to be trapped in this shit hole forever. Somehow I gotta find a way to navigate stressful situations better so that my self esteem doesn't venture down the rabbit hole again.

It's true, the last time I had a dance class, I was 14. It was the year that I decided that ballet was too stifling for me, too tiring to schedule it around my schooling, too expensive to take exams (I was already in Intermediate Foundation) - so I quit.

I never gave up dance though. Won't ever, never ever.

Picked up different dances from Youtube (thanks, internet!) over the years; mainly Japanese modern and contemporary dances, and yes, the no-brainer K-Pop dances. Sometimes I'm amazed that I kept it up all those years and my dream to join a proper dance class never faltered.

Well, I learnt aerial silk a year ago but that's hardly dancing. It does have the technical intensity of ballet though, so it brought back some memories. But that's not what I was looking for. In my heart, I knew I didn't want to be bounded by die-hard techniques. I want to be expressive, I want to be free, I want to do my own thing.

And so after a lot of contemplation, I settled with contemporary dance. I do know that teachers have their distinct style so I was careful (and a little scared), wondering if I will be alright. I guess I was just a little bit afraid that I will end up hating contemporary dance since I didn't have much experience with it but I was really captivated by Dance Moms (lol, I know).

So I took a plunge and went to a dance class all by myself for the first time. I usually does it with my twin. We still plan to take a class together, most probably girl style, so I'm looking forward to that!

OK just a warning - stop reading if you don't want to see feet.

Let me tell you - it was more tiring than I thought. I mean, what was I expecting. After class, my legs were jelly.

My legs and butt hurt. I can't even sit on the toilet bowl normally (sorry, tmi). Heck, even my neck hurts. But I'm loving every second of it because I know these are results from what I have achieved. Scars can fade, but my happiness will stay.

(Mom just won't stop lecturing me about my knees because it looks really bad in real life, so I figured I should invest in some knee pads.) 

Last thing, this literally won't happen with the support of my boyfriend who is honored with the task of fetching me to class every weekend now. I don't know what I did to deserve a guy who tells me he will do it for me because he wants me to pursue my dreams. Love you lots, Babe. T_T

It's been a while since I've had days like this. I was able to sleep in without an alarm clock waking me up. I'm a pretty early riser so I'm usually the first one to be up in my family - I seldom sleep past 8am anymore. Then I settled down for breakfast with a cup of coffee and a whole avocado with honey while taking my time reading. It's 9:30am and I'm in front of my computer after doing some journaling in my planner. What a productive morning, if I do say so myself.

This pass week has been busy busy busy. For the first time, I was able to attend Kre8tif! (Southeast Asia's Creative Conference & Content Festival) at Cyberview Resort & Spa. The event is an initiative from Malaysia Digital Economy Corporation (MDEC) an agency under the Ministry of Communication & Multimedia Malaysia, with the mandate to develop the creative content industry in Malaysia. Basically people from the creative industry meets under one roof in this 4 days event to network, discuss new technology/ pipelines/ strategy/ etc, celebrate achievements, share knowledge and most importantly enjoy the free food! They even had alcohol at the networking party to, I guess, loosen things up hahaha.

My company sent me for the Masterclasses that was held on the first and second day. I would say that being a 3D Generalist has proved to be helpful in this case because I was sent to attend a variety of classes that I would not have the chance to if I were not a generalist. I'm a greedy person and I like to learn, so I was pretty enthusiastic about it! I got to be hands on with Blender and ZBrush which I have never used before but now that I've dipped my feet in them, I am hooked. Almost immediately I went home and downloaded Blender on my PC to practice more.


In the Arnold Masterclass, I won a Bluetooth speaker by answering the quiz. It was mind-blowing to think that a few weeks ago, my Mom had been asking me to help her buy a Bluetooth speaker online but crunch time at work began and I barely had time to browse since I'm working 6 days a week and about 10 hours each day. So I was extremely amazed and grateful that a Bluetooth speaker just landed in my hands. Like wowww.


Back in the office, we're actually rushing to start compositing a new episode, so I stayed back to finish up since I spent most of my day at the event. It was tough because I felt so goddamn sleepy after the classes. A few of my colleagues stayed back too so we had dinner and desserts together! Ever since starting work, I feel that I see my colleagues more than I do my family, in which they agreed. It was funny.

I went to Kre8tif! again on the final day because I was assigned to man the booth. It was a welcome break from the hustle of work and it reminded me of my university days when I used to be active in clubs and societies. A few good things happened that day, one of them being that I got to shake Gobind Singh's hand because I was at the booth. He is our Communications and Multimedia Minister and it was my first time meeting him.



Another good thing was the lunch and dinner buffet! In fact I had too much junk to eat and drink that I experienced a stomach ache in the middle of the night later. I guess I let myself go a little too much. No regrets. I guess I'm greedy in this sense too.

Thought I'd check in since I don't remember when was the last time I did. And hello to probably the only person who reads this blog - I hope you are still reading. To say that we miss our time together is an understatement. We wish for the best for you, but more than that, we wish to have our friendship back. Your friends miss and care for you more than you can imagine.

At this current moment, I am comfortable. Comfortable because I just bathed and now in my PJs, but also comfortable because it's the calm before the storm. As much as I am anxious and uncertain about the future, I am also hopeful. And hope is a powerful thing.

A month and a half into my first job, my mom announced that her full-time job company might be closing down, and then actually going to close down. First thought in my brain - well at least you don't have to face your unreasonable and verbally abusive boss anymore; I'm happy about that. Second thought - what we gonna do now HELP. (For context, I come from a single parent family where my mom was previously the breadwinner to us and my grandparents.)

Shortly after the sudden news, I felt grateful. Grateful that I at least have a stable job and some yet to be received money from my freelance jobs. I enjoy my work. I am a lighting and compositing artist (for the record, I have never ever imagined myself to be one, considering how technical it sounds). Life is weird and there I go, thrown into the department during my internship and then subsequently I applied back for the same position after graduation. Except that I didn't do compositing before this, and I have right about zero knowledge about Nuke (which harbored some silence during my interview).

Thank heavens, I don't know how I got in. I assumed an angel helped me. So there I was, doing a job using a software that I am terribly under-skilled in, yet I found myself catching up and learning it faster than I imagined. Like, wow I can actually do this? I am proud to say that although I am not superb at it (yet), I am considerably skilled in using Nuke now! My notebook is filling up so fast with notes and scribbles.

Currently, I am taking a break from aerial silk class. I started it with my sister back in December (I think) and never looked back since. I love love love the way strength makes me feel. My upper body strength has increased tenfold (how I feel, but maybe not realistically the case hahaha) and my well-being has gotten better physically, mentally and psychologically. Having something else to focus and exert effort on apart from the usual daily activities is refreshing.

Honestly, there were times when I feel discouraged in class because I couldn't execute a new move properly, either because I didn't have enough strength in that particular area of my body, or that I couldn't wrap my head around executing and recovering from the step, especially after I started full-time work. Sometimes I just have things on my mind and it's not that efficient in taking in new information.

But oh, that feeling of gratification when you finally perform a move properly. My arms feel strong, my brain ready, my breathing clear. No cramps and fatigue can attack me, at least not for long. Because this fire is still simmering, not extinguished.

Coming back to my current situation. 

The bad news is, after calculating my monthly expenses, I realized my dispensable money is almost non-existent. What this means for me is that I have to evaluate (again and again) what I should prioritize, instead of what is important to me. This contemplation is stabbing me in the heart every time I think about it. And dammit, I'm tearing up again. I am so emotional.

The good news is, I do have some freelance jobs here and there, sporadically. And I have hobbies that I can make money from, although it requires some amount of dedication and time, which I'm not sure if I have enough of at this current moment. Is there a guide as to what one should do in this situation? I guess not or else everyone would be rich by now.

This post has gotten way longer and more somber than I had anticipated. I guess I just ain't in the mood to feel that life is fine and dandy, 'cause life ain't like that. No worries though, lows won't always be lows. Most of the time, I feel hopeful. I know we can do better than this, and we will.