Jump!★

The first thing she does after coming back from work is to throw herself at the bed and bury her face in her arms. She craves for much-needed rest and negligence. Why do I tell others to take it easy and not be stressed while I do the exact opposite? It's counter-intuitive. Perhaps she's just too much of a workaholic. Just, like Cath from Fangirl would say when she's trying to defend herself. Perhaps too scared of what will happen if she becomes indifferent.

Now she's sitting with the lights still off while the sky outside hurriedly dims. She doesn't even feel hungry as she usually would at this hour. Lots of words flood her mind yet she is unable to construct proper expressions of them. The exhaustion has created a dam, and it can be frustrating. Sometimes she wishes to be something she is not. She wishes to be ignorant, to be less anxious, less worried, less nice, to be this, that and everything she knows are out of her control.

Now she turns on the light as it is straining her already busted eyes. Not too long ago, she realized her eyesight has been deteriorating. Is it the spectacles? Is it the internship? Is it the phone? Is it that she spends most of her waking hour glued to a form of electronic device? She's feeling a headache, but the dizziness from yesterday seems to be gone, which is good. She has already decided not to do her FYP tonight anyway. It is time she takes a break - she has never had more than 2 days of break since about 2 weeks ago.

She works on her FYP after work every day and on both weekends. When she had activities for the weekend, she would work on it in the morning or at night. Every time she convinced herself, if I just do a little everyday, it'll be enough. But it'll never be enough. Being so hardworking is an exchange for her sanity. What do I get in return?

Sometimes doing good is not good enough. People take advantage of you. Your niceness. Your leniency. It feels very shitty. But you have to hold the group together. You're the pillar, the bridge, the wind. She wished and wished, oh God, can someone please hold the flag? Can I be taken care of instead of taking care of others? 

Somebody please tell me what to do, reassure me, really talk to me. I want you to know how bad I'm feeling, this burden I'm carrying, that this passion inside me is not enough to carry everyone. Will we all be fine?