Jump!★

Thought I'd check in since I don't remember when was the last time I did. And hello to probably the only person who reads this blog - I hope you are still reading. To say that we miss our time together is an understatement. We wish for the best for you, but more than that, we wish to have our friendship back. Your friends miss and care for you more than you can imagine.

At this current moment, I am comfortable. Comfortable because I just bathed and now in my PJs, but also comfortable because it's the calm before the storm. As much as I am anxious and uncertain about the future, I am also hopeful. And hope is a powerful thing.

A month and a half into my first job, my mom announced that her full-time job company might be closing down, and then actually going to close down. First thought in my brain - well at least you don't have to face your unreasonable and verbally abusive boss anymore; I'm happy about that. Second thought - what we gonna do now HELP. (For context, I come from a single parent family where my mom was previously the breadwinner to us and my grandparents.)

Shortly after the sudden news, I felt grateful. Grateful that I at least have a stable job and some yet to be received money from my freelance jobs. I enjoy my work. I am a lighting and compositing artist (for the record, I have never ever imagined myself to be one, considering how technical it sounds). Life is weird and there I go, thrown into the department during my internship and then subsequently I applied back for the same position after graduation. Except that I didn't do compositing before this, and I have right about zero knowledge about Nuke (which harbored some silence during my interview).

Thank heavens, I don't know how I got in. I assumed an angel helped me. So there I was, doing a job using a software that I am terribly under-skilled in, yet I found myself catching up and learning it faster than I imagined. Like, wow I can actually do this? I am proud to say that although I am not superb at it (yet), I am considerably skilled in using Nuke now! My notebook is filling up so fast with notes and scribbles.

Currently, I am taking a break from aerial silk class. I started it with my sister back in December (I think) and never looked back since. I love love love the way strength makes me feel. My upper body strength has increased tenfold (how I feel, but maybe not realistically the case hahaha) and my well-being has gotten better physically, mentally and psychologically. Having something else to focus and exert effort on apart from the usual daily activities is refreshing.

Honestly, there were times when I feel discouraged in class because I couldn't execute a new move properly, either because I didn't have enough strength in that particular area of my body, or that I couldn't wrap my head around executing and recovering from the step, especially after I started full-time work. Sometimes I just have things on my mind and it's not that efficient in taking in new information.

But oh, that feeling of gratification when you finally perform a move properly. My arms feel strong, my brain ready, my breathing clear. No cramps and fatigue can attack me, at least not for long. Because this fire is still simmering, not extinguished.

Coming back to my current situation. 

The bad news is, after calculating my monthly expenses, I realized my dispensable money is almost non-existent. What this means for me is that I have to evaluate (again and again) what I should prioritize, instead of what is important to me. This contemplation is stabbing me in the heart every time I think about it. And dammit, I'm tearing up again. I am so emotional.

The good news is, I do have some freelance jobs here and there, sporadically. And I have hobbies that I can make money from, although it requires some amount of dedication and time, which I'm not sure if I have enough of at this current moment. Is there a guide as to what one should do in this situation? I guess not or else everyone would be rich by now.

This post has gotten way longer and more somber than I had anticipated. I guess I just ain't in the mood to feel that life is fine and dandy, 'cause life ain't like that. No worries though, lows won't always be lows. Most of the time, I feel hopeful. I know we can do better than this, and we will.