It's time for me to stop sounding mopey and do something about the way I have been feeling. As the title stated, it has been a month since I am out of university and I'm just starting to feel good again. For the past month, my mood had been mostly down and it was difficult for me to get up from my bed to do anything, even the activities I know I enjoy. I laid on my bed a lot, my phone in hand, changing positions ever so often because it feels uncomfortable, yet I couldn't make myself get up.
I knew what I had to do, what I had planned, yet I felt aimless because it takes actual effort to do things, like learning Japanese or a dance. I felt that it took too much effort. Then I had an epiphany - could I possibly be going through post-grad depression? Is there such a thing? Basically I was having trouble adjusting to a new lifestyle, an entirely new life altogether. I had no classes to attend, no assignments to challenge me, no club activities to fill my time with, no friends that are nearby to talk to; it was so strange. That had been my life for 4 years and now it's just nothing. Abruptly halted.
I feel like a boat without an aim and I begin to think to myself maybe I should start rowing. Anywhere. See where it takes me. I know that in order to break out from my bubble, I need some sort of order, an activity I can't get out off that easily and make excuses for.
So I decided - I am going to join an aerial silk class.
It has been on my mind for more than half a year but I haven't gotten around to starting it because I was occupied with internship and university.
Now would be perfect.
Another thing that I waited for years to do is volunteering. We did some volunteering and community work back in National Service and I loved it. And I promised myself, I must give it a try again, which was why I took a Personal Social Responsibility class during my university time. Again, I enjoyed it.
I know I want to do it again. All it takes is for me to decide and make a move.
So I'm happy to announce that this week, I will be attending a youth volunteerism seminar and my first aerial silk trial class that I'm joining with Sis.
It took me courage to sign up for the seminar ok. I am a shy person and more often than not, I have social anxiety, so I didn't want to go alone. But after briefly talking about it to Mom, I decided that if I am going to volunteer, I should do so with a sincere heart. That would be the noble and right thing to do. And I think, the shyer you are, the more so you should push yourself to get out there.
Your head voice do sound louder when you're alone and lonely.
Anyways I am feeling so much better now and will try to keep afloat by finding some hobbies to stick to. Bullet journaling is on my mind and I can't wait to start. First, I need a dotted page journal. I wished for it on Giggle Garage's X-Mas Party wishlist, which I am attending despite not being an employee haha (GG was my internship company, fyi). My colleague Joey invited me to join and since Sis's company (Poggo Animation) is under them, they are all going too. I'm already looking forward to seeing my ex-colleagues again. Ben actually asked me to come back soon but I told him that I want to spend some time achieving personal goals and will go back to GG if I have exhausted all means of finding a job somewhere else.
One thing I am really working on is trying to be less dependent on my boyfriend. Just to clarify, I am not a dependent, clingy person, but now and then I do like to spend more time together or just video call him so I can see his face. Especially since I am so free now. But to him video calling without anything much to say aside from having each other's company through the internet, is boring. Obviously that's not how I feel, if you can tell. I value our time together even if we're not meeting up physically.
The first time I asked him if it is boring for him, he said yes and so I tried to not call him. But somewhere along the way I forgot about it and got excited to call him again, and again I asked the same question. He reminded me about the first time when I asked him and said that later I didn't call him that much because of what he answered and then the answer came rushing back to me. Hesitantly I asked if he still feels the same. Yes.
With a heavy heart I said my phone battery was low (which it was) and quickly ended the call. I don't hate him and I respect that he has his own opinions, but I can't help feeling down about it. This time I'm not gonna cry. I want to process the event rationally and come to a decision on my part. That's how I decided that I need to focus more on myself on top of spending all the time by myself. He's more individualistic nowadays and I'm trying to give him the space he wants. He is still himself when we see each other, so I know our relationship is not going down. It's just this part that I have to work on.
But sometimes I think to myself - is it so bad to want your company, to hear your voice just a little bit?
We have talked to each other about it once in a while and have come to a conclusion that we just have different preferences. Sigh. Relationships will always be a work in progress.
I am working more on self care. I learnt Jennie's Solo dance yesterday and posted a video of it on my Instagram dance account (@ion_x_ion) because I am getting tired of me not being productive and whining about every little thing. Baby steps.
Also I haven't finish making Babe's birthday present but I am definitely progressing albeit slowly. It's a labour of love ok haha. I am cross-stitching so you can imagine how much time it takes up.
Taking care of my plants, working on my FYP bits and pieces, building my portfolio, meeting up with friends occasionally, watching movies with Babe, dancing sometimes, resisting my phone... That's about what I do mostly these days.
