Jump!★

Loneliness has a way of getting to people, huh?

When my 4 years of university was coming to an end, I had a desire to spend some months afterwards achieving some personal goals, even considering a gap year. It was exciting and inspiring to think of the opportunities that lay ahead of me, of the things I could do with all the free time - oh, how amazing it would be!

Except that it's just been 2 weeks and I'm already bored out of my mind. I crave interaction and the outside world. I miss having something to do, something to challenge me. I made a 2 month plan which I am still following but I have so much time that I finish most of the activities before I get tired. I never get tired nowadays because I sleep so well haha. I should be grateful.

When I don't interact enough with people, I feel unmotivated and sluggish, which makes me lazy to do my personal projects; it's a vicious cycle. When you feel unmotivated, you start to feel down and paranoid, overthinking everything. Every feeling that you ever put aside comes crashing down on you. I even dreamed that I was dying. What a somber mood.

Is there such thing as post-uni withdrawal sickness or depression?

Maybe life is so different than how I know it that I'm having trouble coping sometimes. I've lived outside for more than 3 years during my studies and although I have lived at home for the past 5 months, I still have coping issues. Family life is so different from how I remembered it. I lived my whole life with my grandparents and it honestly feels strange to live with my Mom now. Just Mom, Sis and me. Even then, most of the time, I am alone as Mom and Sis works. I feel like a child that has to play by herself. Then I remembered I am not a child anymore, and that sucks.

I feel like talking about your family can sometimes be taboo, because everyone wants to believe that their family are stable, happy, and harmonious. But that isn't often the case. If anything, I feel down coming home than if I were somewhere else, say, my boyfriend's home. Sometimes I look at his family and feel envious. The grass is always greener on the other side, yeah?

Is this how old people feel? Neglected and surrounded by silence. Everybody care about themselves first, as it should be. But wouldn't it be better to spread some of that care to others too?

Most of the time I don't know what to feel. I just want to stare into space and wait for something exciting to happen. But don't say I didn't try to be productive. I made an effort to go to Artbox and the Thai Food Festival and my friend's Diwali open house and swam this weekend, which I all enjoyed. I was actually happy.

It has been on my mind a while now to make a daily or weekly entry of my gap year experience (or however long I manage to 'gap') so that I can look back on the efforts I made and perhaps somebody will find it useful too. I just don't want to be wasting away at home. I need to do something!

Aside from trying to fill up my time, I am also consciously trying to change the way I perceive and respond to things. I get so triggered by lots of things although I don't necessarily show it. It feels unpleasant to hold these bad feelings in my heart so I'm trying to let them go. I know it wouldn't be smooth doing this transformation, but perhaps if I can change my habits, I can change my outlook of the world. And that's always a good thing, right?