Recently have been experiencing some potholes mainly caused by group members. It made me wonder why I didn't have much of a problem during my Foundation years and why is it now the dissatisfaction has become more prominent. I would like to think that it is because I didn't want to drop in standard of my work, and that most people drop in motivation after they enter Degree. I have friends who want to work smart and focus more on important subjects - I get it. But what they don't get is that they are neglecting the "less important" subjects, perhaps thinking that their group members can handle the workload. Because its so easy, right?
One singular question always lingers on my mind : Is it so hard to take initiative?
I simply don't understand why it is so, considering I don't expect much. Is it so hard to check the uploaded files (that everyone is supposed to know about)? Is it hard to comment an opinion that doesn't involve always agreeing/disagreeing with what others say? Is it hard to take down simple notes? Is it hard to take the initiative to look for an example so we could have better direction and a more productive brainstorming session? Is it hard to discuss simple things online that doesn't necessarily involve meeting up? Is it hard to book a room? Is it hard to delegate tasks as a leader? Is it hard to give the group a little push if you feel nothing is moving? Is it hard to volunteer to do something?
Plenty more questions that I don't want to dive into because they don't do me any good.
I have pretty good stress and people-handling tolerance level especially when it comes to academics or things that requires responsibilities, but sometimes I feel the strain too. I break down too. I need breaks too. I need to play and relax too. I need friends to share the burden with and do things together (wouldn't that be more fun?).
After 2 years in university and going through various activities (camps, events, societies), I have developed better resilience at dealing with stress and people. I am naturally not a leader type of person and I know that, but this is where Nurture triumphs over Nature. I can feel comfortable leading a class or handling a group now without feeling pressured.
Perhaps this part of the negativity is the positive one; that I am able to handle more because I have been through lots. It took nights of forcing myself to stop crying so I can continue my work and finding ways to cope with my anxiety to be able to reach this point. I will never be good enough and more challenges will come up and that's actually pretty demotivating but I always find myself forcing myself to face it.
Fortunately I have outlets to release my frustrations. Mainly it's just talking to a small number of friends, each not necessarily about the same thing. Dance classes also helps me build confidence and quieten my self doubt and also I love it so much because I get to be myself, meet my friends and have crazy fun. In dance class, we take the initiative to learn our own steps and correct others. It is quite magical when everything comes together and it makes me so excited and warm.
With school work, every group that I take, I can't predict what problem will arise this time or the next time. I have a few friends that I prefer to group with and some that I have somewhat blacklisted. For me, there is a clear difference between group mates and friends so even if I have "blacklisted" a certain person, we can still be good friends. Its not every time that I will be in the same class as the friends I prefer to group with, so I try to be with them whenever we have the same class.
I dislike the fact that I am spending my time writing a disappointment post instead of an appreciation post during the last day of the year but its all just a gimmick anyway. It's just another day and there will be plenty of other days we can improve ourselves and do good. But today is not that day for me. Still, no regrets. What matters is that what I write comes from my heart.
Overall I just hope for more family time and less nonsensical people in my life. I want to be able to drop some burden and I'm working towards that gradually. I ain't no Supergirl although I seem like it. I am just a normal girl who seems to have it all together.
=)
Have a merry new year. Thank you for reading.
Bummer
