Jump!★

Free tattoo~ (But we bought a set for RM10.)

I walked to AFX1 class today using a longer route because I needed a breather. It always excites me to think of the prospect of seeing something different. It might have been the best decision of today because I met some of my former classmates on the way there. I felt happy. Sometimes I wish I could return to my Foundation years because it was still blissful then. 

There's no use wishing something didn't happen, is there? I wish I didn't know it, I wish I didn't see it, I wish I didn't notice it, I wish I didn't mind it, I wish I was simple, I wish I wasn't so susceptible, I wish I was nicer, I wish I wasn't so nice, I wish I was more forgiving, I wish I wasn't so forgiving, I wish I was more 'whatever', I wish I wasn't good at wanting to keep holding on, I wish I wasn't quick to pick things up. 

All of this amount to nothing because I am nothing without these and to not do this is only to deny myself. But I will continue ahead and not let those little words and gestures scare or hurt me even though it does damage me internally. I want to believe I am stronger than this. I may care about it too much, but that's who I am. 

Sometimes just approaching me first will give it so much impact and me so much happiness. I like talking to people first, but not when it's always me first. When it's always me, it gets old. There really is no use waiting for people because, realistic expectations, guys. I just imagined Mr. Mustafa's voice for no reason haha.

I may sound really down now but I'm writing this with a definite state of mind unlike the pass few weeks. It was tough. 

It really does help if you just talk to me about something rather than about me or whatever it is I'm facing (because like I mentioned, the emotional feelings are much bigger than the situation itself). To remind me that I am still a friend and we can still converse like normal people, not go away when something else interests you and just thinking I'll be fine on my own and I will find you when I want to. It's just... ugh. 

It's so funny how something like this happened that made me continue my daily blogging (which was the goal for this year hence the consistent titles) so in a way, something benefited. 

Thanks for the people that tried to engage in some conversation (or just commenting) with me. I appreciate every little effort. I need to know somehow you are still here. For that person that makes an effort to talk with me about normal stuff and sends funny links and posts stuff in the chat during midnight so I can see when I wake up and sends me related self-help pages and tells me about your day and talks about the stuff I'm feeling without pressing on further and sharing your experience (I know you don't tell that to just anyone) and just by being there even though you were unsure how to approach me on this matter - you go, bro. 

I'm surprised you never gave up reading my blog even though it's a pile of words and when I asked for a funny video because I needed a distraction, you noticed it. You bitch, you pretended you didn't know hahaha. You made this easier to deal with because I have someone to talk to now. You said you were down there to begin with and if it is true, then I just used you as a stepladder to get out lol if you get the metaphor. When you talk to me first, it makes me more willing to talk to you. It feels like a mutual conversation.

I think this is the first time you have an appreciation column in my blog. I just want you to know that I'm thankful for the times that you let us drive your car when you don't trust people with it, for abiding to my very demanding Foundation Sem 2 assignment, for that time when you said we should pretend that I'm from Hong Kong and you from Vietnam and pretend that we don't understand English/Malay so that the guard can't kick us out from the resort, for telling me when you felt that I changed, for playing along with my knack of typing in reverse wordings, for that time when you tried to create all sorts of ways to say Goodnight and it lasted for quite some time, and many things more.

I know you are not perfect, nobody is. I'm glad your gf (I like your gf!) have you even though we no longer can use 'babe' or 'dear' in our daily conversations or do that random family role play with our 'son' that I can't even remember the name of lol! Johnny was it?? I remembered I was the aggressive, abusive wife and you the wifey husband. =.= #tripdownmemorylane But again, guys will be like kids around their gfs/someone they like, or at least that's what I realize. It's scary when you see your friends start acting that way. And I don't mean you only.

OK, long post again dammit. I just feel better when I write. It keeps me saner than sane. 

Going to a Christian Fellowship session later with Eli and sis! I'm really looking forward to be going out because just staying in the room makes me think a lot of stuff, even though it has improved. I look forward to mixing around.

Maybe one of these days I should do an appreciation post.