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Thursday, 3 December 2015

Blogging in the morning with my breakfast in front of me, how rare haha.

Something's been bugging me. (Warning: Rambling posts ahead so skip if you want a happy day.)

I've been waking up after every dream (mostly nightmares) since Monday. I remembered I woke up twice Monday night but slept through on Tuesday. It was a horrible feeling. I wasn't quite bothered with the dream more than the fact that I won't have sufficient rest since I'm trying to recuperate from last week. My doc is gonna hate this lol.

Yesterday night, I had a nightmare that kept me awake for one hour. I can't believe it. Even in the dream itself my brain and heart was screaming all kinds of no. I wanted to cry, I remembered, but was too numb to do so and so I just rushed around in my dream.

It is true that whatever you keep on the back of your mind does come to your dreams. When I have an assignment I'm nervous about, I will dream about it. But, this time the scenario that appeared in my dream was one that I had desperately pushed off even from the back of my head but instead it chose to appear in my dream, against my will, when I was supposed to forget it all while I sleep. Just leave me alone will it...

Everytime I can't sleep, I will got to the toilet and then walk down one side of the hostel corridor. It had become somewhat a ritual as it lets me calm down a little.

This dream was so bad that I wished I had dreamed about coffins instead (and I hate coffins). At least when I dream about coffins, I just felt confused and scared. This dream threw me into a well of emotions, with desperation being the strongest one.

I know I am not one to talk about sad things in this blog because I want to keep it happy but sometimes things do happen. And I really wanted to let it out. And I'm sorry for not saying what it is and being vague but I don't feel comfortable saying it out here. Saying it out will only imprint its presence onto my life even more.

I would say that I'm getting better each day at controlling what lies at the back of my head (and heart) but it really is so damn hard. Sometimes life's gotta go on and you have to accept things and move along with the flow of life even if your shirt got trapped between some rocks and you're struggling to free your trapped fabric but the current sweeps along harsh and quick and you wonder if you're ever gonna survive this. And finally when you managed to free yourself, you float on the water feeling petrified from the after shock.

My habit is coming back already; writing when I feel down. This week and last, I think I wrote almost every 2 days, some in my private blog, which no one had access too. The reason I don't let anyone read my private blog is because well

1. It is private,

2. I wrote some super depressing things inside from 2 years ago to now,

3. I wrote some super happy things that would have seem snobbish if I listed them out here,

4. I have spoilers from mangas because I saved the pages I want to comment on and talk about it.

So the spoilers would have been the biggest danger.

Writing does make me feel better somehow but I hope I don't have more of these sad cases to write about. I appreciate that life will have ups and downs though.

You'll only notice how important someone is to you after they're gone (not necessarily died). Sometimes its too late.

I really was trying hard to sleep after the nightmare yesterday night. In my dream, curiosity killed the cat. And I was thinking about it the whole time while I was scrolling FB for a while when I came across a friend's status: "Curiosity killed the cat. But satisfaction brought it back."

I immediately switched off FB and tried to sleep because I do not want curiosity to kill me in real life lol. It is against my ethic and I will not do it. I refuse to believe that my willpower is weaker than my curiosity. My willpower had always been one of my strongest trait and I will not have it rewritten. That's why it is easy for me to look OK when I'm not because I'm just like that. I don't like being down always and having other emotions take over my life. So I'm really trying hard for this one to not hinder me but I would say that this is the hardest one yet as of lately.

I admit it, I sobbed a little yesterday night after remembering someone but quickly stopped myself because there is no use. But then it came again and I stopped it again. In my mind, I threw away that person and everything else because that night, that person was no longer my security blanket that I held so dear this whole time. I had to visualize myself being away from everything and being in an open space and then I begun to relax and fall asleep.

From outside, this thing is no big deal really. But to me, it felt massive and I don't know why. I tried to reason with myself but some things are just mysterious. I will never understand myself sometimes; I guess everyone have these experiences.

It's a sad (my vocabulary is so limited, I keep using 'sad') feeling to want to be with someone you're close to but at the same time you want to get away. It is very conflicting and hurts like hell. I have to let time pass and not worry about it too much even though it hurts me into the depths of my heart and guts and brain and maybe one day I'll be fine. I want to be fine, ugh.

I don't like people asking about me if I'm fine or otherwise because I don't like the flocking attention so I tend to just write in my blog. That was also the reason I didn't give anyone my blog. So, hello to all my friends that are reading this. :) When people care about you, sometimes they make it worst. You're trying to slowly heal yourself and someone comes back and asks about it and it emerges into your head again. It wasn't to say I don't appreciate people caring about me, I do, but I prefer to face and confront the source of the problem by myself.

I should really not care so much of what some people thinks of me and focus on myself. I don't want this to lead me into a life of what ifs if I keep on letting my emotions ride my life. I have been through a period of depression (when I found out about my thyroidism by reading too much on the internet and being so scared because I was just 16 then and I felt like my life was crashing down and the hospital/clinic visits weren't helping and finally I cried in a restaurant one day #truestory) and while I was still there, I made a solid, conscious decision to not be sad every single day. I told my Mom, "I don't want to be like this." Mom: "Then don't be."

I remembered asking her if I'll be OK, frequently, and as I grow up, I realize she can only give me so much verbal support and that is when I was still young. As I approach the adult age, I realize a lot of outcomes cannot be controlled and all I can do is try my best and be nice to myself. Somehow I would considered myself fortunate to be able to experience that so I know how to deal with adversities in my coming days.

Because of that, I became hardworking, trying to match up to everyone else when I was falling wasn't easy. Some months later, I realized I had successfully came out of my depressive shell and I couldn't be more happier. From then on, I want to keep being that way and tried whatever it takes to remain afloat.

Even now, I refuse to let it pull me down again no matter how tempting that is to me. Sometimes you just want to succumb to your emotions but heed my words: DO NOT. I know there are people out there going through hard times as well; if I can stay afloat, you can too. :)

More often than not, it is the emotions that wreck our world instead of the situation itself and it is very important to recognize what it is you are feeling. You have to let go of some things no matter how tough it is to let go. You have to see what is around you instead of what is hoarding your brain space, and then you have to rejoin society. Do the little things step by step.

And please, I'm not the type to cry easily at my own happenings so to be able to make me cry is very serious indeed. Most of the time, I'm just like whatever, things happen.

I learnt one thing (actually from Berlin Artparasite): If you don't feel fine, don't say you're fine. People will not know how to make you feel better. Then you end up comforting them when the one that needs comforting is you.

So this post is generally how I write my private posts normally - I start with pouring everything out, plus some other infos, and then towards the end, I'll spit out some encouragement to myself. This have to be my most intimate post yet and I hope that if you're having a tough time, my encouragements reach you. :)

Good morning!