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Friday, 24 April 2015

Driving lesson sucked today.

I couldn't concentrate well when my instructor was talking too much. I am trying my best, I swear.

I can't even begin to express what I'm feeling or went through. This sucks.

He kept saying I panicked/got confused/messy/etc when I'm actually just feeling fine and everything was going OK for me - it's just that the engine died. Why can't you just let me have a chance and learn by  myself through my mistakes? Give me a peace of mind to think and to confirm what I can do?

Ugh.

His voice kept penetrating my thoughts and I couldn't think shit. My mind was a mess not because of the car controls; it was because of his constant chatter. I know he wants to encourage me but he made me feel discouraged instead. Said he has confidence in me, but made me feel useless at driving. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel.

I showed my emotions on my face and I am just so grateful I have the perseverance to keep it in and not scream in public (which I really felt like doing).

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP AND LET ME DO THIS BY MYSELF I CAN'T CONCENTRATE WHEN YOU ARE TALKING SO MUCH JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND I CAN DO IT DON'T DISTRACT ME I BEG YOU! STOP SAYING I CAN'T DO SOMETHING WHEN I AM JUST LEARNING TO DO IT THIS IS ONLY MY SECOND TIME DRIVING AND I HAVE TO WARM UP AND PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE TO DO IT BY MYSELF AND NOT INTERFERE BECAUSE YOU ARE BEING CONFUSING AND IT ADDS ON TO MY FRUSTRATIONS!


Basically that's what went on in my mind. I'm sure there's a lot more I just can't form into words. I constrained myself and shut my mouth whenever I feel thought forming in my head to tell him off and leave me be.

It felt like someone forcing me to go to a tuition that I don't like. This is not good - me having a phobia of going for driving lessons.

I actually requested a break because I couldn't handle it anymore. More and I would have exploded. I just wanted to burst out (in tears or harsh words) in the car but I didn't. It may sound trivial but when I was there, I felt like shit. And I'm not the type to show tears in public.

I feel so bad for myself that I 'supposingly' can't drive. My engine always die and in my defense, he didn't teach me properly what to press (even though he said he did). One of the first time I could start without the engine dying again, I was alone in the car because he couldn't take it and went out of the car to see me do it by myself.

Ha! Take that!

Even in the first driving lesson, I can do better when he isn't there. Him being there with his words just makes me feel stupid and worthless and all kinds of shitty. He said that we need to have a peaceful mind while driving and yeah, I do desperately need that. Do you not see how you are not contributing to me having a peaceful mind while driving.

I had 5++ hours of lesson today and only in the final one hour I am able to do things. I took two breaks because I couldn't cope with his talking anymore. I got bolder during the end and ask him not to say/do anything and just let me do it by myself. When we do it my way, I did OK for all. =.=

I just felt like I wasted my initial hours by being frustrated and not being able to properly drive with a peaceful mind. I really, really, really do appreciate it if he just have trust in me and not degrade me in words so much.

Didn't go onto the main road like I was supposed to because I didn't have confidence in myself (not after him saying those stuff about me) and it was also raining. Once when I was at the hill, I felt pretty confident and like I got it, but when he started saying stuff, a curtain of worthlessness just fell over me immediately and my hands and feet got a little jelly and I know I'm scared.

In the end, I did conquer the hill (much to my delight and effort) but I still feel shitty. (I also completed all the other stuff.) Now I still feel shitty. Shittier. Shittiest. I cringe when I thought of having additional driving lessons and the exam.

I actually teared in the toilet but stopped myself because I gotta do this. But I just felt so shitty and ugh.

Shitty might be the most-used words for this post. Because that's how I feel.

ps.s He noticed how upset I was and offered to share with me a mango drink someone bought for him so that was nice.